This is the fourth post today. I have the whole lappy to myself today.
I'll be going out with Wawan tomorrow. We're going to lunch-early dinner together. I don't know where we're going. I'm kinda excited, but i'm also very lazy. My flu, is almost non-existent and my throat's not so sore. I really miss my boyfriend. I think, this is the first time i feel like i miss him so very much.
I feel like, it's been so long since i actually sat down and talk to anyone. I've been gossiping, laughing, discussing, bitching and complaining since November and this Dec, and i've noticed. I haven't planned out my 2010 with anyone or even myself yet. I'm psyched that the year's ending and I'll be a year older and everything. But with school, which at this rate, is my only responsibility and practically my life. And which I'll be repeating next year, I haven't thought of school much, because that unhappy beginning that started a day before the last day of school, got many people talking and i honestly had enough of thinking of it. I'll keep all my futuristic plans on my studies to myself, i don't need a million aunt agony to tell me what to do.
I've been basically no role model to anyone this year. Honestly, I saw this coming, i just couldn't accept it when it happened. You should've seen me, skipping class, not coming to school, purposely going to classes late, not studying, sleeping in class. And when exams were round the corner, i did nothing but stare at the book. I believe, I thought Santa would pluck a cable into my USB enabled head and transfer me all the required information.
I believe I was dumb. Yes, originally dumb. My english literature essays of many words kept decreasing to the minimal amount. My language compositions that were once in many times complimented and shared, became boring and only passed potential foundation in language. My math that was capable of a pass before, became a numeric one digit. My science have always been on one end. However, Biology always kept me nearly passing. But after my continuous procrastinations, i started failing my science combi, with big Fs. My malay however, kept improving. Day by day. I was more hardworking on my what i thought was more important, Art. But in the end, nothing mattered. All that mattered was the EFFORT IN ALL OF THEM. From the beginning till the end of year. And I, did not put in any. Nothing was balanced. So, i never moved up.
Now, it doesn't seem like much of a big deal. My priorities have been set straight to successfully be in comparison with my new year's resolution. Although i've lost a lot of chances to freedom and trust, i've acquired a mind set and the ability to somehow close my eyes and shun off possible ill thinking that might bring me down. I believe it will all be gained back after i've put in effort. Well, that all will only be determined if i really stay true to my words and sincerely change.
This year, started off awfully, but everything that happened this year, has been a blessing, be it something unfortunate or joy. Everything is a blessing, only interpreted in different ways. This year, I cried at least twice a month. This shows that this year's been rather demeaning and maybe sometimes, it came off as very pressing and pressurizing. But I'm happy i pulled through with the help and support of family and friends. Alhamdullilah, they have always been the one pushing me and advicing me. I know, that if it weren't for them, i would have been in a worse state or I'd be less willing to accept all of these. Seriously, i'm very grateful to Allah, for making me endure all of these and learn from it. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.
And this year, i've made plenty of friends. From different ages and backgrounds. I've made many unhappy and i believe, i've broken many hearts too. My mother for example, for not living up to my promise and for disappointing her. Hasroy, for breaking what seemed like a very happy relationship. Syida, for not being a friend to her and only wanting to be one after she went through so many hardship. Emilia, for not being a role model like I'm supposed to. I know, i've made many people very unhappy, and i'm honestly sorry. Because of this, i'm strengthening our relationship. I've made friends who thought me nonsense but made me very happy and treasured; Bobby for bringing me to every corner in Somerset and for making my life a little bit more livelier. I've made myself dislike a person and allow that person to have a mutual feeling. I don't hate anyone, really. I've shared joy, love and laughter with my classmates who were more than bonded and LR who changed and matured a lot since the past year. And also LFD, who in the beginning were a big part of our lives, but eventhough they slowly disappeared, we sill shared many happy moments together. My boyfriend, Adib Syahiran, we may have more to look forward to but the past days, weeks and months have been worth while, every second of my life and you've made me look at my problems as something small and you've made me appreciate all the other things. I've cried and shared my stories to people i never knew i could open up to. I'm glad, i'm glad all these happened. It got me here now. And those people, they played a big part growing me into now.
I'm admitting, i'd be lying if i said, i don't care for anyone's thoughts. Be it about me or themselves. I care very much about everyone, sometimes, a lot more than for myself. Looks, may seem superficial and unnecessary. But i tell you, they, are the most important thing in life. As important as your heart. How you carry yourself, creates and carries impression. It controls how much people talk about you and how much you need to care. Being accepted in society or a group, is not life, it's just part of life. You don't have to try so hard, just be sincere, be yourself. You don't need to revamp yourself so that others may like you. You don't need to have a 1000 friends to be normal. I have friends who accept me, in any way that i am. And yes, i try to look good for myself. Everyone is perfect, we're just different.
I believe i'm now, a little more confident and honestly, i really love EVERYONE, Abdul Razak, Priyanuch Aubontip, Jellinnan Razak, Muhd Lutfi Razak, Adib Syahiran, Amirah Zainal, Ashiqin Suhaimi, Emilia Feryna MJ, Hasroy Ruslan, Aizat Tajuddin, Firdaus Vailani, Museey Mustakim, Khidhir Suharto, Syida, Mahirah Jalil, Hanis Hamid, Muliady, Izzuan, Faisal Hamid, Syafiq Abu Bakar, Nurul Musfira, Hanisah Nordin, Junaidah Rasol, Erica Devi, Vivian Eu, Deena Nabilah, Imran Zailani, Ramdan Rashiddee, Kai Leong, well, really everyone (: I'm happy i'm still alive and living.
Semoga semua berjaya and err, have a brighter future. Next year's going to be awesome.
Assalammualaikum.